Things your mother never explained - or
- What the Hell happened to my hair?

      First, it’s been a gradual event. Slowly changing. Creeping up on you. You tend not to notice, or notice and sort of pass it off. A fleeting taking note of something---not quite right.  

      You are busy after all. So what if suddenly there is an excessive amount of loose hair in your hairbrush? Clogging up your bathroom drain? Filling up the vacuum cleaner bags (or canisters). You’ve got lots. Always have had lots. Thick, sexy, luxurious hair. Unruly temperamental hair.

      Except when they did a lower jaw lift (been 20 years---need another one) and they went into your hair line (and never had said that they were doing that) and you went home and clumps of hair fell out in your hand. That was a moment of panic. Mostly because there was so much of it in your hand! Nothing subtle there. But your chin looks good.

      You overcame the thinner sides. Worked it. Sort of.

      Mother Nature has a sense of humor.

      Now, you can see your scalp when the hair is parted. Looks like a landing strip. On closer look (15x mirror), you can see where hair follicles have gone to sleep. It is called female pattern baldness.

      Really? And just how do I wake them back up? I have no idea. Stress? Oh hell yes.

      You realize that no matter how much back-combing you do, there is simply not a lot of hair on the front top of your head. Flatness rules. Not a good look for me.

      Now you understand the comb-over. In fact, your hairdresser gave you a new style - a ballooning comb-over. You are now blessed with hideous photos for the next year at least. (Oh yes.)

      It doesn’t help the hair loss. But the bubble cut goes with your expanding waistline. Which will not go away. Because you are not 35 anymore, you are 74. (Need Liposuction!)

      The last product Joan Rivers sold me on QVC is a great hair day product (I bought a lot). You “paint” your part so it doesn’t look like a white landing strip. It works! (Fake it, honey!) Love it. Especially since root touch up lasts one shampoo and you don't want to be dying it out every two weeks.

      A year or so ago, I discovered a wild hair in my eyebrows. At the right side, a 6” long thin almost clear hair was sprouting in a spiral from the right eye (in the eyebrow area) My side hair (still a lot of that) covered it. Egad! I check for it once or twice a week now.

      The dreaded chin hair was another unpleasant surprise. I had seen the ads. I had shuddered at them. Was pleased I had none. Ha!

      My eyes getting bad (15x makeup mirror, trifocals), I just hadn’t spotted it. (I had been using first the 6x and then 10x mirrors and had just jumped to 15x.) I have since learned that these chin hairs are sneaky. They grow under the skin and pop out fully formed and 2” long and BLACK.

      OMG!

      I had been bothered for years by a WHITE hair that sprouts under my chin, actually, back a couple inches. It’s on my lower jaw. I had a multi-strand black visitor but yanked the crap out of it and it left. The white one refuses to leave. I check it daily now. I also run a finger on my jaw line to find any bump, the tell for the chin hair. They have a shaving razor club for men. Not for women! I guess they don't think we need to shave. But they are saying that it is a great exfoliator. (I will stick with Total Control SPF 30 multi-cream for exfoliating.) Because I now have a fuzzy face, I shave once a month. I simply gave up.

      Then there was the discovery that my underarms no longer have hair. Well, only a stray strand here and there. I cannot see them. (I said my eyes are bad.) I have to use a magnifying mirror to see them. I shave by guessing. Check with the mirror. Try again.

      Don't have to do this more then once in awhile. Like, every two months. Used to have to do it every other day in the summer. No complaints!

      The same for my legs. I have to run my hands over them to find it. (Or wear my glasses in the bathtub.) It is sparse and I cannot see it. It is fine. It is mostly ignored. I always had to shave my legs in the tub, every few days. It was not fine. Now? Every few weeks. I get to save on razors.

      Then there's the last area. Well, I did wear girdles and pantyhose for decades. 1960 to 2000. But I don't think that's what happened. Yep. Bald. Sparse. No need to try a Brazilian.

      Basically---for every place I want hair---and that would be on the top of my head---I am losing it----and every place I don't want or don't care---I have it.

      Like I said. Mother Nature has a sense of humor.